\o/

Houston, we have a problem

1992-02-12T20:57:00.000+08:00

This is so weird. Whitney, Whitney, Whitney. I don't know why your death has affected me so much. Maybe it's because you wouldn't be dead twenty years ago. Neither would my happiness and my parents' marriage. Everything would be better twenty years ago. I'd be a happy, carefree baby, you'd be alive, my parents would be happy, Janet would be on top of the world again, the polar bears wouldn't be dying.

If I pray hard enough, will I wake up in 1992 tomorrow? I'll believe in you, God, if you make that possible. I believe you can, so why don't you? I'm counting on you. So's Cissy.

I also thought I'd share my favourite Whitney songs (just the top 5). There's something about a Whitney ballad that sets it apart from Mariah's or Janet's. The way she breaks into those long, emotional notes... it's hard to describe, but it's a fucking amazing feeling that just comes over you.

5. How Will I Know
4. Greatest Love of All
3. I Wanna Dance With Somebody
2. I Will Always Love You
1. Saving All My Love For You

Why, why, why?

1992-02-05T22:29:00.000+08:00

I've asked You this so many times but You've never given me a satisfactory answer. Why? I tried to make this year different from the last but You obviously thought I needed a reminder of last year's darkness but I really don't. I remember everything quite clearly and I know how it began and ugh, here I go again, asking you why You wanna make things so very difficult for me and easy for everybody else? Why do You wanna sacrifice my needs for everybody else?

I know I somehow forced myself to live in a state of part-time bliss but is this really the punishment I deserve?

I'm the You You forgot.

Zzzzz...est?

1992-01-25T23:12:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year. I'm sorry this is coming so late, but it honestly doesn't feel like anything's changed. I wished there would be a dramatic bang and I'd wake up with a new perspective on life, a new way of looking at the things I've been seeing for the past 18 years. But no. I wake up everyday feeling exactly the way I did way back in December, November, October, September, August... Where's the zest for life? In the peel of a lemon? I thought so too.

I miss freedom. I suddenly understand why so many people want to be cats. I want to snooze my days away, alone, just like Garfield and Crookshanks.

A Cure?

1992-01-18T22:46:00.000+08:00

If there's a cure for this,
I don't want it.
If there's a remedy,
I'll run from it.

Have you ever been down with a flu that you never wanted to truly get cured of? I've got a nasty bug going around my body right now and I'm enjoying every second of it.

40 Days

1991-12-22T22:26:00.003+08:00

It has really, really been ages, hasn't it? At least 40 days, quite possibly a new record.

After a brutal breakup, a young man vows to stay celibate during the 40 days of Lent, but finds the girl of his dreams and is unable to do anything about it.

I don't think that properly sums up the past 40 days (I certainly haven't had a 'brutal breakup' and I have not and will not vow 'to stay celibate during the 40 days of Lent'). It's been a crazy 40 days and in 9 days, we'll be ringing in the new year.

This is an especially important year because it's 1992 (or 2012 if you've already left the Garden of Delusion). 1992's the year I was technically born (I haven't figured out how my age works in my delusion)... so this would be my 20th year on Earth. That's quite a milestone, leaving behind my 1_s forever and entering the 2_s.

The 2_s will certainly be an interesting decade. The early years of the decade will be given to NS and then a possible further education and then... work. Ring those alarm bells 'cuz Ashu's gonna be a man!

A working man, a man who's going to have start thinking about his finances, his future and of course his FAMILY. I'd love to have kids by the time I'm 29 but I'd like to settle down by myself somewhere first. Somewhere far, far away.

There, have you learnt anything new about me?

Oh, here's an obligatory '2011 was...': 2011 was really eye-opening. Funny how I don't remember anything pre-internship (before March 21). That's a lie of course; I remember Janet Jackson's warm body quite a bit. Internship was just a blur and ended way too abruptly and the next highlight of my year was probably India and then I got back and there was school and then some long-awaited, much-deserved inspiration and motivation. I don't know if this is me describing my life right now rather than my year, but 2011 was great. It was a happy year. The past 12 months have definitely been brighter than the 12 months before but we all know how the Wheel of Happiness works. Have I reached the highest point already? Am I there right now? Did I leave it behind a week ago? Unpredictable wheel~~

?

1991-11-09T22:23:00.000+08:00

Can't get you out of my mind
Your touch gives me butterflies
Should it be, could it be
Help me solve this mystery

He'll drive a funky car

1991-11-02T00:13:00.001+08:00

I wonder what is happening in India right this minute. It scares me to think that time doesn't stop for me - the zebras aren't going to stop grazing or galloping just because I'm not there to watch them.

In other news, I have assignments to do already. I remember missing assignments and lectures when I was on internship... and now I miss my cosy desk in the newsroom. It was mine... and now it's some other intern's.

Why do I lose everything but my unhappiness?

And it's funny how nobody EVER likes/comments on my Facebook posts, but I always end up with a good 50 odd hits on every post. Silent readers eh? Fine by me.

What did I hear you say?

1991-10-27T21:24:00.000+08:00

It's been an eventful eight days - school's in full swing, I'm officially 19, the 'festival' is over... all in eight days. What can I say? I'm 19. I don't like how that sounds. I don't like how that looks. But it's one of those things you have to either accept, ignore or dwell on. I'm not much of a dweller... so I suppose I'll ignore it.

I'm grateful to everybody's sweet Facebook wishes (and the few texts). Thank you so much for reminding me that I've officially begun the last year of my teenagehood. It's the big 2-0 next October!

Diwali/Deepavali was nothing special. In fact, I can't remember the time it was really special. That's a lie, of course I can! I would love to go dig up a photo of me playing with a little cracker or something and show you, but why look at the past when you can look at the present:

Bruno eyeing the cake

A sweet card from Ammachi

Candles everywhere on Diwali eve

Usha's handiwork

Missing out

1991-10-19T22:35:00.001+08:00

I was on my way home today and I saw two secondary school kids making out in their ugly brown uniforms. I miss that white uniform and I kick myself for not making out with anybody on the bus when I was wearing it.

He was always such a nice boy

1991-10-17T22:46:00.001+08:00

Yes, that's where I sleep now!

Oh, you're in love!

1991-10-14T21:29:00.000+08:00

I've got friends in love
I've got friends talking about love
But I ain't in love
And I sure ain't happy 'bout it!

Mother India

1991-10-05T21:23:00.002+08:00

'I cannot understand how anyone can be an Indian and not be proud - the richness and infinite variety of our composite heritage, the magnificence of the people's spirit, equal to any disaster or burden, firm in their faith, gay spontaneity even in poverty and hardship.'

- Indira Gandhi

Where did September disappear to? It seems like yesterday that I was in Singapore... and now I'm back. It's a horrible feeling - hoping, praying and wishing that you're dreaming, that you'll wake up and see that ceiling fan, feel the cool under-twenty Celsius temperature and hear all sorts of noises.

This isn't a dream; this is life and it's bloody cruel. :(

Blast from the past (1)

1991-09-13T14:42:00.000+08:00

'One thing I certainly want to experiment with is...sex. I mean, there are so many things to try out. S&M, the various positions. Doggy, missionary...that's all I know! Won't it be fun? Yes, and I just watched the whole episode with Hilary's threesome, and I think it's so sexy. I'd love to have a threesome - it would be such fun.'

- November 1989

I am so embarrassed every time I do this. Why did I talk like that? Jesus.

Siddarth

1991-09-13T14:33:00.002+08:00

Oh, Siddarth, Siddarth Mallya, won't you leave Deepika and take me instead? This kid has the sexiest Anglo-Indian accent ever. PLUS, HE'S FUCKING RICH. AHHH.

When I was 17,

1991-09-07T22:12:00.000+08:00

It's cold outside.
I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.

Prints

1991-08-30T23:21:00.000+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya!

I too went visiting today... visiting at the zoo! I wonder why people don't hang out at the zoo more often - it's not smelly, it's not dirty. It's a little expensive, but who needs money when you can see your beloved animal friends!

Sirin and I tried all sorts of things - feeding manatees, diagnosing a horny tapir and we even befriended a sloth!

Very nice day indeed. I can also proudly say that all these pictures were taken by me, which can only mean one thing: I've got my camera!

1991-08-27T01:14:00.000+08:00

I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND.
WHY IS THAT SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND?
I WANT NOTHING MORE THAN ATTENTION.
I DO NOT WANT A BOYFRIEND.
I HOPE AT LEAST NOW YOU COMPREHEND.

#1 single? I think so!

1991-08-25T01:08:00.000+08:00

I've been down this road before and trust me, it isn't a good road to go down.

Change

1991-08-22T17:54:00.004+08:00

It's nice, blogging in the afternoon. The stillness and silence of the night are probably why my past few posts have been so depressing.

Change - it's vital for survival, growth and quite possibly, happiness. If you're never going to change, how are you ever going to experience the happiness that life has to offer? But it's easier said than done. How often have I resisted change - I still resist anything remotely futuristic.

Just last week, I got a call from HDB Bishan.

'Hello, is this Mr Ravikrishnan?'
'No, he's not in. I'm his son.'
'How old are you?'
'18.'
'Okay, we need your vote for your block's lift upgrading programme - would you want it?'
'No.'

Surely the old lady on the ninth floor would appreciate a lift to stop on her floor instead of the tenth and there are times when I'd love to have a lift bring me up to the second floor. But allowing a lift to be built here would be like allowing a lift to be built in my childhood.

Me and my senseless analogies.

There are plenty of positive changes - two years ago, I dreaded the Circle Line and all the jams and congestion it would bring about. Two years later, I am so happy every time I shave off at least 20 minutes of travel time whenever I go to the east.

But how do I differentiate a positive change from a negative change? Surely they don't come with signs like 'I'M A GOOD CHANGE'! What if you accept a new change only to realise a few months later that it was a horrible change to begin with? And don't even get me started on the changes that bring about both positives and negatives.

Take my weight. I was close to 65kg in January this year. I won't disclose my current weight, but I've definitely lost a lot. A bit too much, friends say, and I agree a hundred per cent. The changes in my diet and lifestyle were of course positive, but I can't bear to look at my bony self in the mirror any more.

But I can't go to BreadTalk at 10pm and clear out their stale bread (heheheh) because that would just reverse all my hard work!

Striking a balance is so very difficult. Especially when you're a giant klutz.

Speaking of klutzes, I have no idea how to do that thing everybody seems to know how to do with the YouTube video and the picture. I am so IT unsavvy

Give me a hand

1991-08-22T01:35:00.001+08:00

I hate it when somebody reaches out to you and offers you all these opportunities and possibilities. Opportunities to be happy, possibilities of a brighter tomorrow. You reach out and accept that hand because what you really want is to be happy, to have a brighter tomorrow.

And then you realise that nothing is quite as it seems - one week later and you're still digging, sifting, trying to distinguish a possible opportunity from a possible heartache.

There are so many to choose from - how do you pick the right one?

So many to choose from, so many heartaches to endure.

You deceiving hand: you've sucked me in and now I can't get out.

If I'm a tulip, you're a...

1991-08-21T00:17:00.000+08:00

You Are a Tulip

You have a wild, experimental side that craves change.

You often switch jobs and lovers, always looking for something better.

But deep down, you're also very well grounded and content.

And you will come to know that the life you live is already ideal.

What Flower Are You?

Blogthings: Discover the Parts of Your Personality that Have Been Hiding

Under the sea

1991-08-16T23:10:00.000+08:00

No, I haven't actually got any babies yet. For those of you who have been living under a rock (or under the sea, hehe), I've got eight fish!

They all live together in this fish bowl with a giant plant and lots of gravel. I starve them quite a bit (this seems to be encouraged among the aquarium community) because if I feed them once a day, they poop thrice a day. So let's begin the introduction:

The Divas

These bright orange fish are called 'serpae tetra'. I have yet to figure out how to pronounce 'serpae', but I'm guessing it's 'ser-pay'. I have three of them, all of whom are big ass divas. They chase each other for food, they chase each other for fun. They probably give my otherwise sleepy fish bowl some movement.

I thus have named them:

Beyoncé
Kelly
Michelle

The 'neon tetras' are next. They are so small but so very pretty. See that blue line there? Under low light conditions, that light GLOWS. It is so beautiful to see them zipping around the tank, precisely why I bought seven of them. Four have died. RIP.

The remaining three I shall call:

Sandra - The loner among the trio. She's always swimming in and out of the leaves.
Heidi & Haylie - They seem like arrogant sluts who pushed Sandra out of the group.

And finally, the biggest of them all (barely 4cm), the dwarf gourami! They have this amazing colouring and they seem like docile dugongs. But wait till you seem them trash it out with each other. They nibble, they poke, they chase. It's not even cute. I'm genuinely scared that one of them is gonna end up killed. I bought two of them and thankfully both are still alive.

I've named them:

Terrence, the weaker one.
Sebastian, the bully.

I am not able to take such pretty photos of fish (I tried), so all three picture credits go to Google! Thank you for coming!

Everybody...

1991-08-16T00:12:00.001+08:00

I hate coming down to my blog nowadays. It's become so dull, so miserable. What happened to the tables for one, the flowers, the photos of Janet that always introduced a new post?!

Well, you don't need to look for them anymore because...

A sunny flower to brighten your day. Remember my pre-internship wish?

I'm starting my internship on Monday...I hope I'll enjoy it. I have a fantasy of what it'll be like - fun, clean and happy. I can imagine myself walking into the office and greeting Ms Uma, Ms Chee, Ms Siti and Mr Allen. Then I'll sit down, give them the files they need for their 10 'o' clocks and I'll go and make them steaming cups of coffee.

I'll sit down at my desk and I'll start updating the website. A delivery boy walks in. Flowers. They wish me a "Happy Birthday". But it's not October 22. It's April 7th and the flowers aren't for my birthday. They're from a guy named...Y. A guy I saw the night before.

How silly of me to think that would actually happen. Here I am, four months after April 7. Even the goddamn flowers I planted myself aren't growing. Lata's aren't either.

I sometimes wonder why I let people's opinions of me get to me so much. It's not as if people have anything mildly interesting to say/think about me - I probably don't even command the attention of most people.

I need to get it in my head that not every gay person that walks past me is judging me and my hair.

Nobody really walks past me and says, 'Geez, that tall Indian boy has awfully curly hair!'

Nobody really looks at me eating at McDonald's alone and thinks to themselves, 'He's such a loser, eating alone. No guy must want to date him.'

Nobody cares about your curly hair, nobody cares about your skinny legs, nobody cares about your less than perfect style. Nobody cares, Ashu. Except you.

That rhymed #justsaying

Also, a bonus feature:

Notice how in 1991, there wasn't a 'Woodlands' station. The North-South line ended at Yishun.

Donna

1991-08-06T23:31:00.000+08:00

Internship's technically over. I woke up with the horrible realisation that I wouldn't be going to work everyday again and I spent a few minutes in bed, just thinking of all of my memories with ST Online.

Things always seem to come to an end. 'Don't hold on, look to the future,' they say. I'm sure I've said this before, but I can't not hold on. My soul gets attached to routine, to laughter, to joy, even sadness - I can't just not hold on and move on. I need time to detach myself slowly and then I'll be free to move on.

Nobody ever gives you the time to detach. Detachment to them comes in a second, in that moment they say goodbye. They don't think about their goodbyes until it happens and they don't think about them after they're done. How I wish I could be like that.

How I wish I could do so many things.

Reach out

1991-08-01T01:03:00.000+08:00

I'm lonely. There, I said it. I've never let it bother me, but now I'm doing wrong, wrong things to fill that void and it needs to stop. You said you'd be mine if I was all alone, but where are you right now? Reach out.

Distance & Time

1991-07-14T23:50:00.001+08:00

Have I been neglecting you? Have I not been reading your blog? Have I been ignoring your sweet, sweet texts? Have I been ignoring your calls? Have I been forgetting birthdays? Have I forgotten you?

No, I just haven't had much time for you, and you, and you. It will go back to how it was a few months ago, I promise.

Hero?

1991-07-14T00:17:00.003+08:00

You know just as well as I do that it's stupid to compare yourself to others. I've said it before: you're setting yourself up for disappointment and a whole lot of anguish.

But I can't help it. I was reading a peer's blog at work today, and it struck me how intelligent he was, or at least sounded. I hopped on over to 'Truly, Ashu', and it struck me how stupid I sound every time I blog.

The header. What the shit was I thinking, quoting True You? I need to be more original and find my own thing. I can't keep stealing ideas, quotes, mannerisms and beliefs from the people I admire the most - I need to sit down and figure out what I think of this issue, what I think of her and what I think of Him.

I need to make my own memorable quotes that will (hopefully) be compiled in a neat little book a few years from now.

It would be stupid to think that a song or a video or even a simple photo can change your life entirely, wouldn't it? Then how come it brought me right back into the dark?

And here I am, holding out for a hero.

One More Chance

1991-07-01T00:31:00.000+08:00

I've always kept my YouTube and blog pretty separate - I hardly ever use my blog to promote any of my YouTube videos, but today I'm making an exception.

I've never felt the need to explain any of my videos because honestly, most of them don't require any form of explanation. This one's slightly different, probably because of how attached I am to the song and the content of the video.

I decided to cover 'One More Chance' after thinking of one of the pivotal relationships in my life that threatened to crumble. I really would like another chance, a shot at being the people that we were so many years ago. I'm literally begging you for another chance because what we had was too good to throw away.

No, it's not Arjuna.

I do realise that the simplicity of the video, the obscureness of the song, and the dry seriousness of it all might just turn a lot of people off and give me what, 10 views?. But for once, views and numbers won't mean so much to me, because this is sort of a present to myself. To show myself that I can express myself through my covers and videos. To show myself that there's more to me that nobody, not even me, knows.

I don't believe

1991-06-26T01:33:00.002+08:00

I was at the airport today and there was this incredibly cute Indian guy. He looked a bit like Imran Khan, heheheh. If you do not know who Imran Khan is, feast your eyes on this:

So that's Imran. Anyway, this guy looked a lot like Imran. He was so modern. He had a Blackberry, he had a cool wristband and everything. Nothing like me.

Anyway, he had a bouquet too (and now you know how the story ends). Turns out he was picking up his girlfriend. Girlfriend walks out of the baggage claim area and he kisses her and gives her the bouquet. She's obviously proud and very, very surprised. He takes her trolley and they push it to the taxi queue.

But I would never want something like that. I'm not looking for a relationship, remember?

I mean it's sweet and all, but think about what we don't know. Who he could have slept with while she was in Bangalore, what the flowers were covering up. There's always bitterness behind the sweetness. Mark my words.

Confused Pup

1991-06-24T18:02:00.000+08:00

Confusion isn't easy to deal with.

I'm having trouble dealing with it right now. Right this minute. I don't know how I feel about the world. I don't know how I feel about you, I don't know how I feel about me. I don't know.

I don't know if I want to be like you, if I want to like you or if I like you.

I don't know.

Comparisons aren't healthy. That much I do know.

You're not healthy. That much I do know.

This obsession: not healthy.

Quick work update: I'm happy at work. I'm not content, but I'm happy. Obviously there are things that I'd like to and things that I'd like not to do, but I'm not in the position to decide anything. I enjoy talking to my colleagues and coming here is hardly a depressing drag anymore.

Socially, things aren't going so good. Distance was probably good, but this, this is too much distance. It pains me that I haven't seen my friends in so long and it pains me that I don't mind it.

Emotionally...I'm confused. Heh.

1991-06-16T22:33:00.000+08:00

This week has been emotional hell.

Indira & Nick

1991-05-30T19:53:00.000+08:00

Previously on Ashu's Children,

30.5.2028

Indira: Indira's probably the most affectionate of the brood - she's constantly telling my partner and me that she loves us. She tells her siblings this too, but far less frequently. She's loud like Eura, but sometimes she retreats into her shell and it's hard to get a word out. She especially loves my mother and enjoys baking with her. You know when Indira's baking because she's loudest when kneading dough or whipping up cookies - she feels like she needs to share with the world just how much flour she's using and how vigorously she's stirring the batter. I remember seeing Indira for the first time in that Calcutta orphanage - her eyes spoke of so much sorrow and pain. She's still afraid of candles, but that's only expected. I see in her so much of me - the love-hate relationship with attention and of course, the desire to be loved. I think her bubbling amounts of attention come from a basic desire to be and to feel loved.

Nikhil: Nikhil insists that I call him Nick... Reminds me of the time I used to ask my mother to change my name to 'John', all because everybody else had a 'cool' Catholic name and I was stuck with an odd Indian name. I'll never call him Nick of course! To do so would be damaging because my Indian name gives me a sense of who I am and I hope Nikhil realises this in the future (he's only 4 - how could I possibly explain the concept of an identity to him?!). Nikhil reminds me of my brother, Abhi. He can be very jealous of his siblings but extremely loving at the same time. He loves to tuck his sisters into bed, but hates it when I give them any extra attention after a fall or a bad day. He's a gentleman - he's the youngest, but insists that the girls get into the car first, that they get the first slice of the cake and once, I caught him giving his jacket to Eura in the cinema! I remember growing up thinking that a boy wasn't for me - I wouldn't know how to raise him! I'm glad that I am raising one though because there are things I can do with Nikhil that I can't do with the others - he's outdoorsy and he's the only one who enjoys walking Cleopatra and Caesar. He likes to bathe them with me and he enjoys picnics and hikes. The others would much rather spend a day in the mall with my partner, something they obviously inherited from him.

All in all, the kids are great fun. I love all of them dearly and so do their grandparents. Papa just bought Nikhil his first ever football, in hopes that he will NOT turn out un-footbally like me and will be like Abhi or my grandfather. Poor Nikhil's been kicking the ball alone (even Caesar and Cleopatra are scared of that darn thing).

Mama is always bringing the kids to ice cream parlours and pizzerias, just like she did with me and Abhi. I think she's enjoying raising children again - she even took them to watch the latest Shah Rukh Khan movie which must have been a disaster. You absolutely cannot watch a movie in peace with either Eura or Indira around. Nikhil and Asia are great - they understand that movies are time for them to shut up. I wish Eura and Indira will get rid of this horrible habit soon!

I will attach a photo soon! Love.

Asia & Eura

1991-05-29T23:35:00.000+08:00

29.5.2028

Asia: Asia's quiet - she's not loud and boisterous like Eura or Indira. In many ways, Asia reminds me of myself as a child. She's terrible in social situations and hates going to the playground. She doesn't have very many friends - but she loves playing with Indira and Nick. For some reason she ignores Eura - maybe it's because they're twins? Eura ignores her as well! Joey's kids don't seem to have this problem at all! She'd much rather play by herself in her room - at least there aren't other kids to tease or disturb her there.

Eura: Eura...Eura really is the most energetic of the bunch. She's the first one up every morning and she runs around the house with her pretend toys. I don't know where she gets all that energy from because she's one hell of a fussy eater - sometimes she likes capsicums and tomatoes and sometimes she detests them. It's hard to get her to sit down and finish a meal because her mind is so active - she often runs off halfway through her meal to play a game she just created in her mind a minute ago.

Coming soon: Indira, Nick

Friends I can't wait to meet

1991-05-13T00:21:00.000+08:00

There are so many people I'm sure I'm going to meet in the future. And I'm sure I won't love all of them. In fact, I'll dislike most of them. But I'm sure there are one or two who'd fit at least one category on this list:

1. Mr & Mrs Mystery I'd love to meet a couple who are shrouded in mystery. They were lots of black. They're attached and they live next door. When asked about their jobs, they smile and say they have dull, boring jobs like the rest of us.

But I know better. I've seen them while doing the dishes. They do push ups. They have guns. Lots of guns. They leave the house at odd times in sleek black cars. They go off for days and then just come back suddenly. Scary, burly men search their house and rummage through their things.

Who are they? Are they with the FBI? Are they terrorists? I'll never know.

2. The Brazilian exchange student I'd love to meet this one at the train station. He's trying to get to City Hall, but doesn't know how to operate the General Ticketing Machine. He turns around and looks at me.

"Do you know uh how to vurk this machine?"

"Uh yeah. I'll show you. Where are you going"

"To your heart."

"You're already there."

3. The Fugitive Junction 8, 1 am. I get off work and decide to pop by McDonald's and get myself an apple pie. There I am, munching on my delicious pie, when all of a sudden, *bam*. A gunshot.

I scream and turn around. Nobody's there. I drop to the ground, hoping that whoever it was wouldn't see me. And then I see him.

He's hiding inside Cotton On, dressed as a mannequin. I wouldn't have even noticed him if he hadn't wriggled his nose. He knows that I've seen him.

Somebody taps me from behind.

"Police. Have you seen a tall, dark man? He's an escaped criminal and we lost sight of him. He has a gunshot wound in his leg, so he might have been limping."

I glance in the direction of Cotton On. The 'mannequin' is staring at me intently. His eyes plead with mine. "Don't give me away. Please."

"I haven't seen anybody here. He might have taken that staircase up."

"Okay, thank you. Be safe. Here's my number. Call me for a fuck."

"Will do, officer."

The police team leaves. Little do they know that I have sent them on a wild goose chase. I sneak into Cotton On. There he is. An escaped convict. Did he have a knife? Would he kill me?

"Thank you," he whispers.

A letter

1991-05-01T23:41:00.000+08:00

Dear Future Ashu,

You're 25! I never thought I'd see you leave your teenage years behind and blossom into a full-fledged adult. I have so many questions for you.

Did you chase your dream? Do you remember how many evenings you spent in your room, dancing, singing and performing to an imaginary crowd? I hope you do. I hope that all those YouTube singing lessons, dance classes and stretching didn't go to waste. I hope you tried because it would break my heart to see you give up on something even before you started on it. That's not like you. That's not like you at all.

Where in the world are you? Are you in Singapore? I hope you're not, because by 1999 (2019), Singapore would have changed all over again and I'm not sure you'll be able to take that. You've always resented change because change brings about nostalgia and you cannot take nostalgia. Speaking of N, I hope you're in New York, living the life that you've always wanted to. Maybe you're living in Manhattan or maybe you're living in a basement in Flushing Queens. I couldn't care less.

I hope you're dating. Because that's what 25-year-olds do. They date. I know you used to resent love, relationships and all that because you were convinced that there was nobody who would understand you. I hope all that's changed. Maybe you have a boyfriend who you're reading this to right now! Or maybe even a girlfriend!

I hope you've gained a little bit of muscle and I hope you have a piercing. And a tattoo. Remember, that's your after-NS goal: get a tattoo. I hope it's not something lame like "Prowl with passion" on your thigh. Make it mean something, please. And no, don't copy Janet's tattoos either!

Janet! Do you stilll love her? Do you run a website for her? Do you still listen to The Velvet Rope? If you tell me you left Team Janet for Team Madonna, please accept this time-travelling slap. Remember, Madonna will always be the Queen of Pop, but Janet, Janet will always be the Queen, period.

I hope you're still talking to Mama and Papa. Have they found out you're gay? Do they accept it or is Mama calling you everyday, asking you to change? Are they healthy and well? I hope they are. Remember, they did so much for you. They love you and Abhi so much. They were the best parents you could ever ask for - they weren't perfect, but they were the best. I hope Abhi and you have improved your relationship.

...Is Bruno okay? Is he 14? Is he still running around, jumping up and down? I love him so much. He's right next to me right now and he's yawning. Poor guy's exhausted from a long walk with Lata. I hope you do call her and Ammachi now and then! Don't forget, you want to bring Ammachi to Tibet someday. Why don't you check those flight details right now?

Ashu, remember to love yourself. Please. You're not horrendous, you're not bad. You're human. You make mistakes. Love yourself.

I love you.

Ashu

Relationships

1991-04-30T18:55:00.002+08:00

Relationships. Why is everybody in the world so desperate for them? It's really sickening to meet people who spend night after night on dates, trying to find someone to spend their time with.

So you do find somebody to spend your time with, somebody to love and somebody to care for you the same way you care for them. Then what? You're happy for a while. Your days are brighter, everything seems that much easier. And then something happens.

Because no relationship ever lasts. You start to argue over the smallest things. You cheat. You forget a birthday, an anniversary, an errand. You lie about your whereabouts. You get suspicious. You assume.

And then that beautiful relationship becomes something you hate and completely abhor. You eventually decide you've had enough and you walk out. Where do you go? You go to your friends. Your friends who have to be there for you and listen while you cry, whine and be pathetic.

Finally, enough is enough. You go back out into the world, with that crazy relationship behind you. You're going to do something with your life. You love that you live alone. You love that you don't have to text anybody other than Ma and Pa when you're going out. You love that you can go to sleep when you want to. You love that you don't have to force yourself to send a cheesy 'goodnight' text.

Everything's going well till your best friend, Lonely, comes along all over again. You start looking at your empty apartment in a new light. You miss people. You miss being accountable for your thoughts, actions and your life. You miss having a cheesy goodnight text every night.
You decide that tomorrow, you will meet somebody new. You convince yourself that he will bring happiness to your life.

And the cycle repeats itself over and over again. Truly sickening stuff, relationships.

Beyoncé

1991-04-30T13:31:00.002+08:00

Somebody recently asked me about my love for Beyoncé. 'Didn't you go absolutely crazy when she came here in 2009? You were crazy about her! And now it seems like you've forgotten about her.'

Well, no, I haven't forgotten about that period. I remember it very clearly - I was obsessed with her and I stalked her, wrote letters to her, learnt her dance routines. I still love her very much. I'm impressed with her new song and I'm sure her album's going to be good.

I think my Beyoncé fandom reflected the confident and self-assured me. I don't know if you remember, but in 2009 I wore a (horrendous) red scarf to school one day and I really didn't care. Some people outrightly lied to me and told me it looked good while others gave me sad smiles. Nevertheless, I was Beyoncé. I could wear what I wanted and I wasn't going to apologise for it, much like Beyoncé.

Janet's different. She's shy and she's insecure. She's not afraid to admit that she thinks her smile's too wide, that her butt's too big. And I gradually found myself relating more to an imperfect person as I discovered my own flaws and insecurities. I could understand some of Janet's pain and even felt some of it at one point or another. I guess that's why I stan for Janet so hard and it seems as if I've forgotten Beyoncé. I haven't. Every now and then I put on Crazy In Love and I go 'Uh-oh-uh-oh-uh-oh-oh-no-no'.

Speaking of these two divalicious divas, I got my Beyoncé CD hamper yesterday, which means I have 2 copies of Dangerously in Love. They're two different editions too, but for some reason I'm not excited at all! I'm planning on selling one of them (or giving them away to a dear friend) - if anybody would like it, tell me! No, I'm not giving away either copy of The Best/Design of A Decade.

Last day of April, whooo!

Therapy for a wretched soul

1991-04-23T23:31:00.004+08:00

I don't understand some people. If you're not going to bother with my opinion or feel like I'm being too pushy, why even come to me with your lame-ass problems?!

It's sad to see people deeming their lives 'hard' and not even bothering to look on the bright side of things. At the end of the day, they go home, turn on the TV and just watch these shows which promote the whole 'therapy is so cool' idea.

Everybody goes through difficult days but you deal with them. That's just my opinion anyway and I wouldn't want to push it on anybody. I've been sad before, unbearably sad. I don't think therapy would have worked for me. I can't even tell my closest friends some of my everyday burden and I doubt I'd fare any better with a stranger.

Whatever works for you. Whatever makes you happy. If you think therapy works for you, go ahead and get therapy. Just don't expect me to tell you things like 'You need therapy!', because I am not going to.

I have decided to get something that would make my parents scream in horror, disgust AND anger! Keep those guesses coming in.

Done with this.

1991-04-22T00:54:00.001+08:00

After all the shit we've been through, after all you put me through. I am done. I am walking away and I don't think I ever want to come back.

Diva Technology

1991-04-13T21:51:00.000+08:00

It's so hard to keep up with technology. I was at Somerset today and I was surprised to see this board erected next to the bus stop:

So now I'm able to tell what bus is coming in how long! Only in 1991! Nobody in the '60s could have thought of this. Gone are the days of pacing the bus stop impatiently, waiting for that unpunctual 54 or 162.

And speaking of the glorious '60s, look what I found at work today:

Indira Gandhi was such a diva when she visited Queenstown in the '60s! A big state umbrella and shades. But I love how she's holding the umbrella herself.

Losing My Religion

1991-04-10T20:20:00.001+08:00

Religion's always been a touchy subject with me. My religion usually reflects my life and it's changed as often as I have. I'm not just talking about the religion I practice changing; the level of devotion, the feelings I have towards it - everything changed with me.

Entering a Catholic primary school, I found myself leaning towards Christianity and Catholicism. My parents lectured me on this, telling me that I wasn't old enough too choose. I didn't care - I continued to say the morning prayer and ended my prayers at home with an "Amen" as well.

I soon became more conscious of myself and decided that I was proud to be a Hindu. I believed (and still firmly do) that Hinduism was the most colourful religion around. It truly is a beautiful religion, one that embraces diversity, difference and is open to interpretation. That's something magical and something that I appreciate.

And so, at this point I began to immerse myself deeply into the religion. My dad was particularly pleased with my sudden interest in the religion and took me to temples and bought me various study books. My mom was less enthusiastic; she wasn't exactly Ms Religion and she eventually left Hinduism but I won't get into that.

Eventually laziness and school got the better of me and I almost left the religion. My heart wasn't it and the thing about Hinduism is that it requires 0 commitment. And with no need to commit, there was nothing pushing me to do my poojas and prayers.

So I've found myself trying to find Hinduism again and I'm hoping that it can fill the void left by the departure of two dear friends. The friends have flown away and I'm not sure they'll ever come back.

And if you wonder what my workspace looks like at work:

Yes, I was watching old episodes of Grey's Anatomy to keep me occupied. If nobody calls me for lunch or breakfast, fine. I'll just sit with Meredith, Izzie, Cristina, George and Alex.

39°C + 35°C =

1991-04-05T21:45:00.000+08:00

Storm clouds are gatherin'
The wind is gonna blow

The race of man is sufferin'
And I can hear the moan

I've been feeling a little under the weather recently and managed to get two days off work, for which I am so grateful! The one thing I did miss about work over the past two days was the AC. It was so hot out, I couldn't take it! And I had a fever. Add a 39 degree body to a 35 degree day and you get a whiny sick person.

While lying in bed yesterday I noticed clouds gathering. And these weren't ordinary white, fluffy clouds. These were dark, gray clouds. Clouds of doom and destruction! And of rain. I love the rain. I've said this before. But you don't wanna read that - it's embarrassing.

And after hours and hours of anticipation, it came. It poured and poured for a good...hour. I know it's horrible to complain when the poor animals in the savannahs (yes, it can also be spelt savannahs) have to look forward to rain every few MONTHS. I guess I wasn't meant to be a cheetah.

I've got a bit of a surprise for you - there's a folder that might catch your eye. Look for it. Try and get it from me. It'll give you so much pleasure, you might die!

The 3rd Wheel

1991-04-02T20:30:00.001+08:00

I look back to the day of the last post as the highest point on a wheel - the moment when everything was as perfect as it could be. By its very nature, such a time cannot last but must pass into darkness as the wheel continues to turn. Eventually, there will be a day that will be the lowest point of the wheel - the moment where everything will be as wrong as can be.

I'm somewhere in the middle, going from a happier place to a darker place. It's a natural transition and I blame nobody for it. I don't blame the start of my internship and I don't blame the selfishness of friends and acquaintances. I don't blame the lust and I don't blame the stupidity either.

It does get lonely at times, especially at work. Everybody around me seems to have their own concerns and agendas. I wouldn't want to burden a best friend who's facing his own heartbreak or military issues with the sadness and problems that I bring upon myself.

Because whenever I meet somebody new, I know exactly what I'm getting myself into. I know about the NSA rule. I know. And yet I let myself be fooled into believing that a brighter future with strings attached is possible. When it's not. It's not possible at all.

Did You Hear?

1991-03-18T00:54:00.004+08:00

Did you hear? Somebody recently tried to take all of my stuff. He came to my house in the dead of the night and let himself in. And then he took me.

Now I'm sitting here wondering what he would have done with my long limbs? With my curly hair? But the best part is, he didn't even know he was taking me away with him. He didn't put me in a box with a "Fragile" label; he put me in a big plastic bag.

But I didn't let him get away. I shouted at him and told him, "Excuse me, Mister, that's my stuff. Give it back to me!" And he didn't even turn around; he just tossed them back at me and kept on walking. Walking to a land far, far away. That toss might have shaken me up and damaged me a bit, but nothing a few days couldn't fix.

I'm fine. Better than I've been in so long.

But there's still that occasional fear and loneliness. I have my trust issues and sometimes I pick up the phone, wondering who I can call at odd hours. I don't have anybody to call whenever I have a particularly bad dream or a bad day. I do have best friends who are always there for me, but I don't want them there. I thrive in solitude. I'm glad I've learn that about myself. Self-discovery is so very important.

I'm happy with the decisions I've made over the past week. I've reluctantly opened up a great deal to my closest friends and I've learnt a thing or two about them. But now I'm slowly beginning to regret opening up; already they have attacked me, condemned and judged me. They know nothing and yet they act like they know everything. But I love them for caring enough to condemn and judge me. It takes quite a bit of effort to give a damn, trust me.

I'm starting my internship on Monday...I hope I'll enjoy it. I have a fantasy of what it'll be like - fun, clean and happy. I can imagine myself walking into the office and greeting Ms Uma, Ms Chee, Ms Siti and Mr Allen. Then I'll sit down, give them the files they need for their 10 'o' clocks and I'll go and make them steaming cups of coffee.

I'll sit down at my desk and I'll start updating the website. A delivery boy walks in. Flowers. They wish me a "Happy Birthday". But it's not October 22. It's April 7th and the flowers aren't for my birthday. They're from a guy named...Y. A guy I saw the night before.

I've actually written a song called "Sweet Fantasy".

Did You Hear is a poem by Ntozake Shange that I have used only thematically. I have tried to make it my own as much as possible. A cover of some sort.

My stand

1991-03-14T23:43:00.001+08:00

So much has been going on with the people dearest to me. Too much. I just wanted to assure everybody that I love these people from the bottom of my big, big heart and I will do (almost) anything for them!

In other news, I finally put up my Mariah poster! Turning green J? Final post for awhile, I promise.

Give Thanks

1991-03-14T11:05:00.000+08:00

A good breakfast can truly make your day. I had planned to make a Banana Apple Crumble but instead opted for French Toast with Cinnamon Apples. Waking up naturally at 9, preparing my own breakfast, enjoying it with whoever's at home...these are the simple things in life which bring me such joy.

I'm in such a good place right now, getting over people and just moving forward. And I'm thankful.

Confident Indian women.

1991-03-14T00:16:00.002+08:00

So many people have been asking me about my days at home. Where do I begin? The day always starts off with a great breakfast. I've taken to the intercontinental cookbooks and I've moved on from pooris to pancakes and poached eggs.

And the morning TV is absolutely great. It starts off at 10 am with this woman on Food Network Asia and then it's followed by this Jennifer Hudson lookalike. Their recipes are filled with corned beef and all sorts of weird things like sauerkraut.

I usually have some sort of housewife-ly errand to run; running to the market to develop some photos or to pick up some fruit or to give an ailing grand Aunt a cake my dad bought her - there's always something to do!

Staying at home also means that I have time to hunt for treasures - photos that Mama found too lazy to slot in a photo album, books that were bought but never read.

This book is a 1994 book about Indians living in Singapore and comes with all sorts of hilarious captions like

Confident Indian women in Raffles Place

And of course, I can read 'True You'! It's an amazing book and I've read it so many times that I've almost memorised a few chapters. The The book is chock-full of rare photos that I've never seen before. A-may-zing!

And that's for breakfast tomorrow. But since I don't have blueberries and peaches, I'll use bananas and apples! Cheapo forever! I hope everybody's having a great time. Send your prayers to Japan. They truly need it.

Open Your Eyes

1991-03-06T20:50:00.001+08:00

Spending time in silence allows you to think, allows you to be grateful and allows you to see your own mistakes. And sometimes when you're in silence, you see something. You see Him.

He isn't Jesus; he's the one person who takes away all of your sorrows without even knowing it. He's here, he's there, here and there. He's the secret you can never hide, he's the sound of your heart. He occupies all your dreams, and you can see him wherever you go.

He means so much to you but you mean nothing to him. I'm sure there are very few things in this world that are as painful as that.

Free Yourself

1991-03-05T10:12:00.013+08:00

You're supposed to tell people how you feel. You're not supposed to hide your joy, your fears, your tears, your anger; you're not supposed to hide anything at all. These people are supposed to be in the know. After all, you know so much about them and it's almost unfair that they know so little about you.

But opening up to somebody is just so,,, difficult. Because opening up to somebody means you're letting somebody in and you can be vulnerable with the person. He won't make fun of certain things about you because he knows that those are very sensitive issues for you. And who wouldn't wanna be free of all sorts of pain?

I'm sensitive but I can never be vulnerable. I don't want anybody to feel sorry for me and I don't want anybody to feel happy for me. Am I not worth your feelings? Of course not.

What I need:

1991-02-20T00:08:00.000+08:00

Some excitement. I need somebody who's going to know exactly what's on my mind and make me scream with pain and pleasure. I need somebody who's going to insult me and then take me.

I need someone to make me feel, feel like I've never felt before.

Everybody has unrealistic expectations. A short girl wants a tall man, a fat man wants a thin girl, a foolish man wants a wise man. Some say you're being silly and lame. Others say opposites attract and you're being completely realistic.

I'd like to think that I'm being completely realistic. Somebody exciting. That's what I need. Somebody exciting.

They get real thin. I get...

1991-02-15T21:37:00.000+08:00

You know how some people don't eat when they're in a stressful situation? Exam coming up, they get real thin. Something within the family, they get unrecognizably thin. A breakup and they disappear off the face of the earth.

I'm the opposite. Stress just fuels my appetite and I begin to eat even when I'm not hungry.

An exam in an hour? I'll need energy so why not have a slice of cake? Maybe two? Something to wash it down...Coke? The list goes on and on and on and on.

It's horrible but the thing is, it can't be stopped.

So the next time you see me with really big cheeks, do me a favour and be quiet. I'll lose it eventually. I hope.

A Classy Toy

1991-02-13T21:34:00.000+08:00

I'm quietly jamming to some classic Tamil hits in my room. I don't know why I'm embarrassed to be caught listening to a Tamil or Hindi song in front of my family. I grew up pretending to shun the Indian-ness of my life. I didn't want to be called Ashu, I wanted to be called John.

I'm so glad my mum didn't make that change. I've come to embrace my Indian culture but I'm still afraid to admit it to my mom. What if she says "As if I haven't seen you dancing to those Indian songs when you were young." It's true, I used to close the door and just dance and groove to the songs in my head.

Some things never change! And another thing that hasn't changed is my evening tea. I don't want to sound like a preppy ass who has scones and jam or whatever those British people have. I have a simple cup of masala tea and 2-3 biscuits.

I made my tea as usual and then I found another one. They really need to stop popping up in my drinks, ugh.

And if swimming in my tea wasn't enough, Casper made it to my wallpaper too.

I'm planning to get her emblem/coat-of-arms made into a brooch of some kind. A classy Toy. Who's with me?

Day II

1991-02-04T15:28:00.000+08:00

It's a revamp!!! I've been neglecting this space for far too long but all that's going to change because it's a revamp!!!

Apart from the revamp, this Lunar New Year has been too slow and too dull. I've done some work but only because I have nothing else to do. Most of you went visiting, collected money, ate goodies, gambled, laughed with family.

I watched TV, surfed the net and bathed Bruno. There's nowhere to go and there's nobody to go with. But now that I think about it, I actually have quite a bit of things to do. Like maybe listen to The Best and prepare a poster or two. Lol the paint's gonna come out again!

You know why the paint's gonna come out? Cos Janet's kicking off her tour in Manila today and the second stop's SINGAPORE! And it's on MONDAY. I've got my ticket, I've got my stan hat on.

And things are gonna go downhill after Monday. Tuesday will probably the saddest day of the year as two very, very important people leave Singapore. Soon it'll be my turn. I'm gonna shave it all off and I'm gonna get a gun.

You son of a gun having raw fish!

Conga!

1991-01-23T21:44:00.003+08:00

I've got my Caribbean-esque music on, and let me tell you, it's heavenly. I don't really care about the beach or anything, but the very idea of living in a beach shack excites me. I'd love to go to a bazaar (who needs supermarkets in Jamaica?) and pick out some tropical mangoes and maybe even a tropical man.

Me: How much for that piece of hunk?
Seller: Which one?
Me: All of 'em.

Jamaica or Aruba, please take me in someday. I'd love to wear a sun hat and a floral shirt around the house, grooving to traditional calypso music. And in true '60s fashion, I'll play it on a gramophone.

"Underneath the mango tree, me honey and me can watch for the moon"

Foals Tee

1991-01-20T23:56:00.000+08:00

I don't want to believe everything I'm reading. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to find a way to let you know, maybe even tell you. But now I'll become the other guy, not the guy. I don't think I'd mind being the other guy, but it would suck to know that I can't even be that.

I guess it's fitting that the song Janet selected for Singapore is Someone To Call My Lover, eh?

School's been fine. Not fantastic, but just fine. I guess the only reason it isn't fantastic is my own insecurity. I've been feeling so self-conscious and embarrassed that I find it hard to even go from the bus stop to FMS. I'm always thinking in my head:

So and so has class at Block X at 1400. I shall avoid the Block X route then. Not through the Atrium, I'm bound to see people.

The problem isn't meeting people I know and love. Giving somebody a hug or a smile truly makes my day.

The problem are the others. The ones with the silent, judging looks. The ones who see you uncomfortably hold your laptop in a desperate attempt to look cool and who just walk by whistling, without a care in the world. Really, how am I supposed to look just as cool as them?

Maybe a "Foals" tee might just do the trick...

I hope you know that I'm just kidding. Never in a million years will I like "Foals" or own a "Foals" tee.

I hate to be depressing,

1991-01-11T20:36:00.000+08:00

but it's really getting to me. It's not like me to ever give details, but this time I feel like I should. I feel like everything could explode inside me and the scary thing is the people around me wouldn't even know it because I've suppressed everything so deep that it's become almost invisible.

I don't think this is healthy at all, but a part of me doesn't want it to stop. It adds texture to my life. Rough's a far more interesting texture than smooth.

Crap. This is what a 2-minute post looks like.

Shoo-boo dobo doop

1991-01-07T21:21:00.000+08:00

Music is something deeply personal to me, something I am very reluctant to share with anybody. I don't like it when my friends listen to the songs that I listen to. That means they'd know where some of my mystifying quotes are from and that can't hapen...

Sure I might share songs with one or two people, but I trust that those people will never take a proactive effort to find more. Because when somebody takes a proactive effort and begins to listen to music that I enjoy, he/she might begin to discover the remixes. And then the bonus tracks. And then maybe the live audio.

Where would that leave me? We'd have identical music libraries and that can never, ever happen. Ever

I have some songs that I want to share with people and I put these on mixtapes. Other than that...not really. So the next time I tell you "Hey, I've got a great song for you!", silently thank God that you're going to have some sort of a ear-gasm soon.

I truly have awesome music taste (baby, baby, baby babe)

1991, 1991, 1991

1991-01-02T21:00:00.000+08:00

Why hello 1991, I didn't see you creep up on me. Yeah, as if my blog couldn't get any lamer. I can't believe the year started with a weekend. Just sets the tone for the rest of the year, doesn't it?

(Viknesh-Annabelle-Joseph-Vanessa, Ievan-Elaine, Justine)

I finally collected all of my Christmas gifts and I'd like to thank everybody for their kind gifts and efforts. They truly mean a lot to me, even if I say "Aww, you shouldn't have" when I first received them. I will cherish them for years to come. Thank you.

My mom sort of gave me a present. She was cleaning out her room and knowing how gay I am, gave me this:

It was published in 1995! She probably bought it to keep herself company during my naps or something. It's actually a very inspiring book and it's filled with lots of colour photographs of homes in Singapore, which makes it a lot better, because those Swedish interior designers never seem to understand the concept of a five-room HDB flat. It's also a tad depressing, because I have to look through pages of rooms like this:

and then turn around and see my own dump.

Doesn't help that I visited Viknesh's crib a week ago to find it spick, span and amazingly decorated.

Speaking of which:

The pot luck at his place was a complete success. A plate filled sky-high with pappads and you can never go wrong. Trust me. I made coriander chapatis and aloo gobi. The aloo gobi was a disaster but the chapatis were very nice. Or so they said.

On a more depressing note, I'd like to be in love. I'm not in love right now and I don't want to date or go out because I don't feel like that's going to help matters. The thing is, I've met somebody who excites me and thrills me and I'd love to be in love with him. I love him, but to be in love with him would mean he would have to be in love with me too.

Not gonna happen!

1990 in Pix

1990-12-31T16:17:00.000+08:00

Well 1990's coming to a close in a couple of hours and so I decided to do a Joseph-esque recap of 1990 before we all welcome 1991. Whoa, it's going to be the first year of the '90s next year. That's real quick. I remember spending the last day of 1989 in a cinema last year, with my mom, Fatema and Lata.

So quite a bit happened in 1990 (in no order):

Happy 18th Birthday Joseph!

We gonna see Mimi!

E-Qual!

I had 4 Janet CDs at the start of the year. The number has swelled to 12.

India, Incredible India

Got our bindis on while studying for PR & CommIss

A huge ass group of people camwhoring in Makan Place

Ievan, Elaine, Natiara and Annabelle turn 18!

Abusement Park

PSF Committee (minus Serena & Iffah & Nurul?)

Sirin and I took a couple of photos before lecture one day

Oh Dessert Mondays, one of the many reasons for my ballooning weight

Pink Dot with Joseph and Evelyn

PSF

Macs one day

My stable group for almost everything

Yo, yo, yo whodatbe?

He looked at me and said not tonight!

Ashu

The first time I went out with these people.

First Things

I've seen you turn twenty four, I've seen you turn twenty five

S&TC

Justine is white

Damn, Kris

Luv you Ammachi!

I don't want 1990 to end, but I have a feeling 1991's gonna be even better.

Mixtapes

1990-12-27T22:13:00.002+08:00

I decided to make two mixtapes, one for Joseph and the other for Iffah and Iskandar. Don't be offended if you didn't get one; it just means that I don't know your taste well enough or don't have anything that I think you will enjoy!

Merry Christmas

Contains Madonna, Kelly Price, Roxette & many more!

Contains Robyn, Hilary Duff, Natalie Imbruglia & many more!

You are all my brothers...and sisters.

1990-12-22T23:47:00.000+08:00

The park looks absolutely gorgeous now. It was always beautiful but I'm in love with the natural river banks concept, which means that I dont' have to climb a railing to get near the water. I just take a rocky path to the banks and I can do all sorts of things like fish and have picnics. Do consider Bishan Park for your picnicking needs!

Popped by Grams today and I was so excited to find Janet's 1982 disc, Janet Jackson. It's officially the oldest CD in my collection. I just love seeing that huge ass 1982 in the sleeve:

Aah, an eventful week. It was good meeting everybody and just spending time and reminiscing. I feel like I've been using my markers, construction paper and glue a lot this week. Been making random birthday cards for ninjas:

And Christmas cards for everybody else:

Yes, the Christmas cards are ready! All twelve of them are waiting to be sealed into envelopes, stamped and sent to the postman! I could have done some typical, traditional cards with mistletoe, stars and snowflakes but I thought I'd do something different.

If you're one of the twelve receiving a card on Friday, take a look at the bottom-right hand corner of your card. You'll see a little number. Use the guide to help you understand your card.

The "You're In Trouble" Card

If you receive either of the above two cards, it means that I think you're in trouble. You're sinking and you're calling out for help (whether you like it or not). I'm worried about you but I don't know how to swim to the middle of the ocean and come save you.

The "Who Are You?" Card

Quite simply, you're an amazing person, with lots of layers. But I don't know which one you truly are. I don't know you. In the case of the last one, I thought I knew you, but you seem to have been taken over by somebody else and I desperately want you to go back to the old you.

The "You Have So Much to Offer" and "Broken/Unbroken?" Cards

The bottom two are the you have so much to offer cards. Like in the case of the bottom left one, you're a beautiful box full of unexpected wonder. The one next to it's a beautiful box, but a box with a lid. Where are you? I wish I knew you better. :(

The top two cards means I can't decide if you're happy or not and there's always going to be an emotional barrier between us. True thoughts ya'll.

The Other Cards

The first one is to a person I hear from but never see anymore! Where are you?
The second one is to a person I totally adore and am in complete harmony with, despite our clashing colours and personalities.
The last one is dedicated to somebody who is a pretty picture on the wall with lots and lots of depth.

So, which one will YOU get? Or will you get one at all? ~_~

Thank Me Later

1990-12-18T21:14:00.000+08:00

Christmas is coming and it's certainly quite the mood booster. I had quite a crappy Friday night and all I wanted to do (and still do) was to climb into bed with a mammoth tub of chocolate chip or vanilla ice cream.

I don't think I'll ever be able to finish a tub in one go. Not because I physically can't. I can. But the stingy Indian man in me would rather let that tub last me 2 whole weeks than just one night. So I decided to try and make myself an all-American, big, hearty breakfast.

I tried. I made some eggs and hash browns (from raw potatoes, ahem) and baked a few slices of tomatoes. It was alright but didn't really have the pick me up that I needed. And then, for some strange reason, I poured myself a glass of milk. And there it was.

I'll let you spot it for yourself. Do you see it yet? I found Janet's face in my milk. Like wow, talk about divine intervention. Lord Janhova decided to show herself to me in my milk and I instantly smiled. I got my Control out and began to pray.

But jokes aside, I had a good time making the breakfast and it really made me forget a lot of the things that made me so sad last night. But as usual, these things don't go away just like that and I found myself sad and depressed in the afternoon and the evening. And then Lata walks into my room like this:

How could I not smile? She found the reindeer hat that Ievan got me (and three others) and put it on like some 5-year-old. Adorable. Absolutely adorable. I gave her a hug and scolded her for wearing what wasn't hers. And then I put it on and I did this:

Been awhile since I've camwhored. Not proud of it, but I did it. I'm thankful for everything but I really want a lot more from this. I'm going to climb into bed with a bowl of fruits now and tomorrow's going to be a better day.

Green Thumb & the arrival of 1991!

1990-12-05T22:08:00.000+08:00

I may not have told people about my recent pastime: gardening. I like the feeling of soil under my nails and of a strong watering can in my steady hands. I recently purchased a cacti pot and a money plant and in just one month, they've grown to incredible height. Everyone comments on the growth of my cacti and I'm like a proud parent, blushing and telling them how I water it once a day and leave it in the sun to photosynthesise. I'm not one of those "fertilizer" parents - it will grow on it's own.

Now, Lata, a jealous family member, decided to plant something too. I'm sure she looked around the kitchen, looking for seeds and leaves. I have no idea why, but she settled on an onion. So next to my blooming babies sits a slow onion.

(L-R: Lata's onion, my money and my cacti)

Speaking of the jealous gardener, if you get a friend request from a Lata Catherine, don't be afraid. It's just her, keeping up with the times.

1991 is coming. Am I ready for it? I don't know!

1990-12-03T00:48:00.000+08:00

It's about time I blogged again. I hate how many songs I can relate to at this very moment, especially songs that come from albums with no lyrics booklets!!! Some examples:

The Story of Beauty - Destiny's Child
Sure, I didn't have a stepfather touching me in all the wrong places, but it really speaks out to me. Don't cry because you are beautiful.

And a song that I used to laugh at so much has now become my life story:

Home - La Toya Jackson

I wonder where that relationship with my brother disappeared to.

Journey With Me

1990-11-29T00:05:00.001+08:00

When you do convince me, I won't turn back. I will do anything you ask me to. But are you ready to journey with me? I'm so terribly afraid of something that I pull away anytime anything becomes remotely serious. I've texted people for days and then when we begin to plan a date, I get cold feet and stop texting them. I'm horribly stupid and foolish.

Pumping music, slick DJs

1990-11-27T00:44:00.000+08:00

Wow, that was a stressful week. I'm glad it's almost over. This weekend's going to be fun, that's for sure. I've got it all planned out and I'm looking forward to spending every moment of it. See you after the jump!

Why won't you like 'em?

1990-11-22T23:32:00.000+08:00

I'm biting my lip again. That's never a good sign. That means I'm nervous, excited or horny. I used to bite my nails when I was nervous but found lips that much tastier. And when I'm excited, I bite my lips to make sure I'm not dreaming. When I'm horny, I bite my lips in a vain attempt to look sexy.

I can't figure out why I'm biting my lips right now. Sure I'm nervous about assignments. And I'm excited to...sleep? I'm definitely not horny. There must be something within me, something causing me to bite my lips.

I'm not going to post anymore cheesy Facebook statuses aimed at you (no matter how many likes they may receive ~_~)

How very annoying. You've never even liked any of them and they're all about you! Like them and give me a sign!

Cool off, cool off.

1990-11-19T22:57:00.000+08:00

It's been a week. The feelings which I tried so hard to suppress are slowly resurfacing. I actually did a little graph to show you how I've been feeling.

There we go. So it was kinda mild and low in October but wow, by Wednesday morning it had shot up! 10's a dangerous level. At 10, I will rape. But you're a bottom. God. How am I going to rape a bottom?

But on a more serious note, I'm afraid of 10 because 10 will mean that I'm at the point of no return and I absolutely cannot be there. At 10, I may just begin to change myself to become someone that I think you will like more than me. I may ditch all the colour in me and switch to black. I may pick up a cigarette and I may just start to like Gossip Girl again.

So I'm going to bring it back down to a healthy 7.

I should create a ISI, instead of a PSI. ;)

A table for one.

1990-11-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

You know how I love to cook and how I've always wanted to throw dinner parties for people right? Well today I made a decision to cook and throw a dinner party for myself. Yep, it was a party for one and boy, was it a party.

It was a perfect evening; everyone was out (except Bruno), so I could cook and set the table and candles in peace. By seven, the first guest had arrived and it was partaye time. I brought out the almost fine china (I still don't do anything that's not porcelain or plastic) and I even brought out some sort of wine glass that looked real exquisite. The candle was out and Ievan's cute candle holder was put in the corner of the room, bathing everything in a lovely orange.

I'm quite proud of myself for doing this. Surely it's a step in the right direction.

Deepavali '10

1990-11-05T20:24:00.002+08:00

என்னுடைய இனிய தீபாவளி வாழ்த்துகள்

दिवाली मुबाराक

I have no idea how to say it in Kannada though... It was a nice celebration and I got to see Umy, which is always great! I wish I could have taken a photo with her though. And I also got a purple packet. I hardly ever receive them, so it was a pleasant surprise.

It seems like everybody's got their long weekend planned out. Two have work, two have men, one have books and one has nobody. Guess I'll be spending time with the one then!

You kids enjoy yourself. I'm truly sending nothing but positive thoughts to my friends and loved ones on this special day.

W8

1990-11-03T00:07:00.000+08:00

Wait a minute. I'm 18, not 38. Why do I even need a profile on a dating site? It's not like I'm even looking for a relationship. Well yes, I've secretly longed for one, but as of today, I'm over the entire idea.

And I did the unthinkable. I deleted my Fridae profile:

I'm so glad that that's out of my life. Looking at it just makes me happier. Oh and hello November, you creeped up on us from nowhere!

Another Sleepless Night

1990-10-31T23:57:00.000+08:00

Yet another sleepless night. Alone, with no one to turn to. It's always been this way for me. I'm terrified to tell anybody about the things I worry about.

've been thinking about kids and how badly I want to have them. I don't see a glamorous life full of parties and sex...I see a domestic life. It seems odd that I want to be an entertainer, since so many entertainers live that glamorous life. Sure it seems fun, but that's not where I feel comfortable. I don't feel comfortable dining at high end restaurants and neither do I feel comfortable lying on beautiful beaches.

My life's all about comfort...comfort with one's body, with one's image, with one's soul, with one's friends... I'm not comfortable right now and I'm always battling something, trying to be comfortable. Maybe if I remove a few negative, self-absorbed people from my circle.

Hello November 90.

Slo

1990-10-31T17:37:00.000+08:00

I've been really affected by it. Even after I promised myself that I wouldn't be.

School's been a drag and I'm counting the days to the long weekend. It's been nice hanging out with my friends again. It wasn't a bad first week, just a slow one.

TQ!

1990-10-23T13:39:00.001+08:00

I have to say a giant thank you to everybody who wished me and sent me love and spent time with me on my birthday. I truly appreciate everything you've done for me.

Love
Ashu

It's time.

1990-10-17T15:34:00.002+08:00

I vaguely remember a post I did in the beginning of the year, telling myself that there were going to be better days ahead and that I should smile. I didn't take my own advice and instead I turned this once-happy blog into a page of misery.

There's so much to be thankful for and yes, we have our down days, but we have to look forward. It's so good to be free and light. I'm sure this feeling isn't going to last for long, but I'm sure everybody's tired of reading my "I want to go back in time" posts. I still do, but I'm going to keep this place nice and cheerful.

Here's a fantastic smiley to set the mood for the rest of the holidays:

:)

Which isn't a long time. In two weeks I'm going to be consumed by schoolwork and schoolmates all over again.

It's been awhile.

1990-10-11T23:02:00.000+08:00

I'm scared. Last night, I lay in my bed just thinking. Thinking about who I was, who I had become and I realized that I don't know who I am anymore. I don't know what's my favourite colour. I can't bring myself to reblog anything on Tumblr because all I see are pretty photos, but so few represent me.

I'm scared. Truly scared.

So I'll be spending my time with me

1990-09-27T23:12:00.000+08:00

These holidays have been the worst ones so far. I've been living for everybody else, but myself and I've taken on so much because I find it impossible to say no. No, I don't want to have lunch with you because I'd rather eat at home. No, I don't want to meet you for a coffee cos I'd much rather have my Nescafe at home.

You see what I mean? I've always enjoyed being at home, doing silly projects like painting and drawing, reading and writing, singing and dancing. But now, I have 0 personal time, thanks to work, friends and family. I mean, this life is supposed to be about me, so why do I feel like I'm doing everybody a favour?

I'm quitting next week and I'm just going to take things slow. I have a million things I want to do at home and if you get a rejection to an outing, please do not take it to heart. I'm begging you.

1990-09-25T22:27:00.000+08:00

I haven't slept much at all over the past 48 hours. It's not that I don't want to sleep, I just can't. I'm going to try and maybe I'll feel better. Mariah in a bit!

SCREAM NINETIES

1990-09-17T23:32:00.001+08:00

I have to make this quick because Survivor's starting in 4 and everybody knows how much I love Jeff Probst and his many dimples.

This past week has been simply depressing. I've been so out of touch with reality that I wasn't prepared to wear my pants and go to work. I should have listened to my dad and never decided to go because I am honestly miserable but I'm staying there for the money. I can't believe I've already broken two of my principles, to never let money influence a decision and to never be miserable. I guess the second principle's going to remain broken for awhile.

Another reason for my misery is my grandmother's departure which has left the house oh-so empty. There's no one to salute "good morning" to every morning. Well at least I had one last cuppa with her and my mom before she left!

Of course I could salute my dearest Lata. Model material huh? And doesn't the "pose with a random object" scream 90s to you!

I had a lot on my mind at around 5 in the evening and I decided to drop what I was doing and go for a jog. I had been feeling nostalgic throughout the day and to go to that park that I've seen change SO often, that was just the "straw that broke the camel's back". I'm so shocked that I've spent 18 years of my life in this house, and in another 18 years I'll be 36. Time truly flashes by like lightning in the night sky.

If that tile doesn't scream 90s to you then I don't know what does.

Get the point? Good, let's dance.

1990-09-10T23:57:00.000+08:00

I haven't cried after watching a movie in a very, very long time. In fact, the last movie I genuinely teared up for was Titanic, way back in 1997. And well, today. I watched We Are Family with my mom and grandmother and oh my God, I was crying bucketloads in that musty cinema. I was so embarrassed since I was the only one in our little threesome that was all teary-eyed in the lift. It was so heartbreaking to see Kajol just die, to know that she knew that it was her last Diwali with her kids.

I've been very vocal about my fears, especially the fear of my loved ones' death. But after today, I can truly say that I'm afraid of death. I've never seen it as a scary thing, just something unknown. I've always believed that I'll move on to a better world where I'll be physically, mentally and emotionally reunited with those who have gone before me. But how can you truly let go of the world and accept that everything must come to an end?

Moving on, I've rekindled my love for all things retro after watching Pretty in Pink which is a truly great film. It just warms the soul, something that a movie like Lizzie McGuire can, but not Transformers. And it warmed up my soul in a retro sorta way, taking me back to 1986. That's 24 years ago. That's when my parents were dating. They weren't even married. They were dating. That's when Control was released. With every new day, I'm moving further and further away from where I truly want to be.

Can you believe that MSN used to be like this? I love it!

It's not the 90s that I want to relive, it's my childhood. I've been doing some reading and it truly is a common desire, but it's supposedly not a healthy one. You're supposed to accept and cherish those moments, but how can you when you only know bits and pieces of it. I know how things were like, I remember the people. I don't remember the little things and it's the little things that truly count.

Since Janet Jackson's music has become so important to me, I've been bookmarking my life to coincide with important times in her life. 1993 was when janet. came out and I have a huge-ass photo of a chubby me and my brother lying down, that's date 26/2/93. 3 months later, janet. would have been released.

You get the picture.

Anguilla in an hour.

1990-09-10T00:14:00.000+08:00

I've always wanted to have a wedding by the sea and the many islands of the world have always attracted me. Well not this one, but the others. Sri Lanka, the Hawaiian islands, Anguilla and I finally had a little taste of island-resort life today! Hung out with Ievan at the pool and it was so good to just lie on the wooden deck and stare up at the sky and feel so very carefree. I haven't felt that in a long time. You literally feel the weight of the world just disappear.

Our little getaway ended kinda early and I ended up taking a never-ending bus ride home. I might have to start reconsidering my love for bus rides. The exams are over, which is such a big relief. You can't imagine how good it feels to be able to do anything for the next two months. It's your life, so take charge of it.

I'm looking for a job. Maybe a waiter at a Central Perk-esque cafe? Something that keeps me excited and smiling. Something around good music. I'd really love to work at a jazz cafe.

I cannot believe I camwhored with my quilt last night. Am I the weirdest thing ever or what? Have a Happy Hari Raya everybody!

Artsy Fartsy

1990-09-05T01:01:00.003+08:00

Whoo, where do I start with this one? I've got a shitload, or rather a Iffah-load, of pictures uploading on Photobucket right now, so I guess I'll go ahead and talk about my day!

OH OH, did you see the brand new entrance? Yes, I know, it's beautiful! I was looking through Blogger's themes and I saw this beautiful one with birds and I realized that no picture off the net was going to suit the theme. So I quietly took out my mom's sketchpad (which had two sheets left), colour pencils and pencils and went away to my room. I turned on the radio (Class 95!) and just drew. I don't know how I got that landscape in my head but I drew it and voila! Now the scan didn't do the colours any good, so here's the original in all it's glory.

Drawing and painting's always been a passion of mine but I've never had confidence in my artistic skill. My mom's a pretty gifted lady so I'm hoping that I inherited some of her genes. Speaking of which, let me introduce you to my mother.

My mother is very, very much like me. We are both so shy, and we hate taking photos and are very spiteful people! We're also caring, loving and independent. I love you so much Mother!

That's her on the left, shy as usual. She'd kill me if she knew I put this up! Anyway, the lady in the middle went on to become a model. It shows huh!

I remember this so well. The dancers and the cowboy (I think) are actually famous people in paintings and guess where she made them dance? Under my block!

This one is one of my favourites. Still hangs above her bed!

Her posing with another one of hers. You can see her face in the painting!

And finally, this one.

It went on to be exhibited at some gallery at what looks like Clarke Quay! Proud of you mother! Now enough of the motherly love, let me tell you what I've been doing for the past few days. Studying? Yes. Slacking? Yes.

Oh God, I've read so many Mass Comm blogs recently and everyone's talking about studying so I shall not. Ha, I got you there. You thought I would talk about studying too huh. Well apart from studying, I've been having a very, very good time! I was on ManRoulette last night and guess who I came across?

I wish.

I'd die.

Kinda disappointing, no?
Well it was so good to see him there! Thank GOD I was fully clothed and erection-less. Imagine my embarrassment if he had seen me in various stages of undress. I love that phrase. Various stages of undress.

I'm going to leave now, but remember, I'll be back soon! Leaving you with a never before seen photo of me, right after my dramatic weight loss. It's my Ammachi and I, posing with our sunnies outside Underwater World.

Candlelight

1990-09-02T20:33:00.000+08:00

My previous candlelight post wasn't a very happy one and this one can't be anymore different. Trust me, by the time you finish reading this you're going to be smiling silly.

Where has the week gone! It's already Thursday and I'm nowhere near completing my revision and my exams are next week! Not even next week, they're in 4-5 days. I shouldn't even be blogging but I find myself more active than ever on Tumblr, Twitter and MSN. And as of last night, MR. Ievan, thank you once again for influencing me!

Lata tried her best to make something different and she whipped up some Nasi Lemak. Or at least her interpretation of Nasi Lemak. You should know that I love Nasi Lemak and Lata is a slow cook. She looks at a recipe for ten minutes and decides to make her chicken curry, so this was a big leap forward.

It was nice but was it Nasi Lemak? I didn't see no Lemak! The best part of Nasi Lemak is the lemak!!! How can anyone make Nasi Lemak without the bony fish! She fried an egg and anchovies and some of her Indian sambal and ta-da, she was done. Her rice was real nice though. Oh well, at least she tried.

What's up for me for the rest of the night? I wish I could say Public Relations but we all know how true that's going to be. I wish I could say Spread but we all know how that's going to make me end up watching it!

I need some discipline tonight and for the first time in a long time, I mean it in a non-sexual way. I remember during a religious class in SJI, the flamboyant tutor was like, "Ask God to help you. Talk to him. Tell him that you have this amount of work to do and ask him to give you the strength to do it." I detested the tutor but his words truly have some sort of impact on me.

God, I know you're listening to me and I hope you're doing okay! I am too, I just have a lot of PR to do so won't you please, please get Ashton Kutcher's naked butt out of my head and drill in something about Employee Relations.

Love you!
Ashu

Oh crap, I just realized that I'm in my dark room with nothing but a candle on. Should I run and turn on the lights? Or should I embrace this newfound bravery and just enjoy the darkness?

Mmm, look at me camwhoring with the candlelight!

P.S. First time I'm blogging before 9pm in a long time!

Books & Cooks

1990-08-31T00:09:00.000+08:00

I've been reading quite a few blogs lately and most of them have at least one food post. I'm quite an avid eater and to my surprise, I don't have a single food post, so here's one.

Ingredients:

4 Cream Crackers
Fruit Jam
Butter

Preparation Method:

1. Butter 2 crackers (don't be stingy with the butter)

2. Spread jam on the other 2 crackers (don't be stingy with the jam either)

3. Place each buttered cracker on the jammed cracker.

4. Tada!

So why books & cooks? Well I went to the library after ages and picked out a few good books. I haven't been reading properly in awhile and I think I'm going to get back to that. I took a very posed photograph of me reading, take a look at it (purely for laughs). But that's just what I'll be doing in 8 minutes!

And if you missed my creepy smile...

So enjoy yourselves tonight cos the exams are coming and I'm so unprepared. Truly unprepared. Surely unprepared.

Dream A Little Dream

1990-08-29T00:43:00.000+08:00

I had a weird dream last night.

I woke up at 12am to jog in the park and I went along this odd path, something a lot like the old one. There was another bridge linking the park to the minimart. And there was an odd copy of Control, a sort of deluxe edition. It's funny because Control has never been in a box set like that.

I came back home and my dad asked me where I had been and I said I'd been jogging and he said okay. After awhile we all watched the Super Bowl (2004) and the wardrobe malfunction never happened.

I don't know what's wrong. It's not as if I'm obsessed with Janet Jackson. I don't know...

I Remember!

1990-08-27T23:43:00.000+08:00

I vaguely remember Bishan looking like this before Junction 8 decided to bring about it's ass and then EVERYTHING decided to come along. Sigh, I hate change. I wish everything would still look like this. I remember the old MRT station so well. And now they've added a new line and sure, it's more convenient but there are times when I wish things would just remain. Everything's changing, like ughhh. I can't find photos or anything, all I have are hazy memories.

Ah, I just remembered that my World Book Encyclopedia had a photo of Bishan under Singapore!! In the late 80s. Shall look at that tomorrow.

12AM

1990-08-26T00:31:00.000+08:00

It gets so lonely at 1230AM. I'm out of MSN and I feel oddly disconnected. So lonely. I don't want to go to bed, I want to talk to somebody. But not one of you, I want to talk to someone else. Someone who knows what I need right now.

Fasten your seatbelts darling, it's gonna be a bumpy ride

1990-08-25T21:27:00.000+08:00

If only it were that easy to travel from Bangalore to Madras (Chennai). Just a fingernail away. I've taken that journey before and trust me, it was way more than a fingernail's distance.

In more exciting news, I've completed my major Janet album collection! Yes I have Control, Rhythm Nation, janet., Design of A Decade, The Velvet Rope, All For You, Damita Jo, 20 Y.O and Discipline! And as an added bonus, I have the CD Single of That's The Way Love Goes!

It took awhile but it's so satisfying to see that never ending line of Janet. Speaking of which, to those who are questioning me about my cowboy, he was a guy I met online. We aren't going to remain in touch because he doesn't want to (God knows I would have loved to!), but it's okay.

I enjoyed my Wednesday, it was refreshing. It felt good to get some work done, to take a few pictures and still have time to find a globe-ish bag. Yes! I shall save that for when I see you next. You will "Oooh" and "Aaah" at it just like I did (until I saw the cockroach poop which I dutifully dusted off MYSELF).

I also found a LOT of great photos that I'm going to use to do up my wall tomorrow! So do look forward to that, as much as I am anyway. Tomorrow's also going to be Why Did I Get Married marathon! It was supposed to be tonight but I felt kinda chatty so I logged onto MSN. :-) MSN's great whenever you're feeling lonely.

I've met my cowboy.

1990-08-25T00:54:00.000+08:00

Janet has always talked about her cowboy, a man she met one day who knew everything that was going on in her life.

"I had... well, obviously, the love of my friends and family. But there was... someone who came to me actually. And I never tell his name, but he was this cowboy... "A true cowboy, an older man. And just certain things he had said to me, it just... it was as if he knew me and knew what I was experiencing, as if he had seen my entire life in a film..."

I think I met my cowboy today. Well he's a bitchy one, but he's a cowboy. He knows so much about me, he knows what I'm going through but he doesn't sympathize with me one bit. He doesn't think I'm going to be a pop star and he doesn't care about how I feel. He thinks I'm lame and pathetic and gay (he's straight), but he knows me.

Did he help? Not at all. But I've met my cowboy!

Ooh baby, ooh baby

1990-08-21T01:05:00.000+08:00

Aaah, the end of the second week of vacation. Productive? Slightly less than the first week. Oh I don't know, the holidays are hardly how I envisioned them to be. I mean, Monday was very dream holidayish but the week slowly progressed into a typical holiday week: loads of unhealthy food, lots of laughs, money spent on (seemingly) useless things and of course, lots and lots of unproductive computer time.

However, the one positive thing that has come out of the holidays is No Sex. Yes, my much awaited collaboration with Ievan Darwin has been *leaked*! The horror of having a song leaked. Well I can hardly stop it leaking from any further so I guess it's time to accept the leak and just move on with life. I've been writing quite a few songs recently and I hope to actually record them all!

Should be fun. Yes, the soul-searching's beginning.

Get It Up! It's a....RAINSTORM!

1990-08-16T17:49:00.000+08:00

It's 5:49PM right now and it's pouring outside. I just got back from a jog and got soaked to the skin. You might be thinking "Ashu is so uptight, I'm sure he hated getting wet".

Well

a) I'm not uptight
b) I had a marvelous time running in the rain

Well I didn't exactly run in the rain. I had finished my jog and was walking back when it started to pour. I couldn't help myself and took a lift to the 25th floor of some random block and just watched. I watched the rain coming down so hard and I watched Ang Mo Kio virtually disappear before my eyes (lack of visibility).

It's now 6:25 and I'm back, sipping a nice cool cup of Iced Milo and with janet. playing pretty loudly in the background. The windows are open and the smell of fresh, moist earth wafts into my room. Pretty heavenly.

Let's talk about today. Today...I did quite a few things and ended up in a park. Bishan Park to be exact. Well not exactly Bishan Park. It's my new favourite thought spot. It's a bench opposite the train depot. The weather was pretty gloomy and I was pretty irritated. I brought my camera and took a few photos of. trains and leaves and I read. I haven't read so vigorously in quite awhile and it felt so good to dive in a good ol' book in a park! Not like I've ever done it before.

And I was back there 4 hours later, jogging my heart out. The weather looked glorious and I actually managed to see a Grand Central-esque part of the depot, something I'd never seen before. It was pretty cool to see the trains moving off systematically one by one. I hope you enjoy this sunnier-than-usual post!

I also hope you enjoyed the rainstorm! I'm going to take advantage of the cold weather and make a few JJ icons.

I'll tell you what I know

1990-08-15T22:40:00.000+08:00

A dear friend once told me that my blog was very vague. I actually agreed but today I spent a long time reading some of my previous posts and I found that I do pour my heart out here. If you read closely, I do tell you what's going on.

I do. I have so much to say but I have to visit my SocPsy folder for awhile. Don't be fooled by appearances. A deep folder within a seemingly scholarly folder could hide hours and hours of guilty pleasure.

Online

1990-08-11T22:19:00.000+08:00

(Psst, play that while you read it)

So here I am at the end of another day, wondering why I'm so miserable. I did all my errands today; I transformed my room from a cluttered, messy hole to a room that Bree Van De Kamp would be proud to call her own.

I don't know how many of you were using the computer during the time of dial-up, but I was. I want you to turn on the audio. I want you to close your eyes, I want you to imagine that you're turning on your computer and your dial-up.

You proceed to your inbox and you see that you've received a message from somebody, a guy. He looks pretty fine and he seems decent enough. He gives you his MSN and you add him quickly. You've been going through a rough patch in your life lately and you find that this guy understands you. He shares so many things with you: your love for the things of the past, the pain from the desire to be accepted, the struggle to find yourself. You feel that you can just tell him anything and you wait for his replies, letting yourself dream of a possible future together. He's the right age, he's independent. He's smart, he's understand. He seems perfect and for the first time in a long time, you let yourself go. You really let yourself go and then suddenly, he says,

"Hang on, my boyfriend's calling me."

And just like that you sign out of MSN and plunge into a world of darkness. You turn off the lights, you light a candle tand hrow yourself into a movie, one you can barely enjoy. You tear up every time you see the dashing man tell the woman that he loves her. That he'll always love her with his heart and his soul. You tell yourself that you have issues, issues that you need to work out before you can even think of a relationship. And so you suppress your feelings and you smile. You smile.

And that was my day. What about yours?

I'll judge you, you judge me

1990-08-10T00:22:00.000+08:00

This morning I left the house and saw my neighbours leaving with suitcases. We don't really get along so I didn't say anything to them but it was obvious that they were leaving on some sort of trip.

They seemed so happy and I felt just a teensy bit jealous. But you know me, I quickly pushed it out of my mind and went back to my day. I had a good day out with the girls (& tranny) and truly enjoyed myself. Of course there were times I felt cranky and felt like just pouring acid all over myself, but what would a day be without such times eh?

I came back home around 1030 and waited impatiently for Lazy Lata to wake up and open the door. And then to my amazement, I saw my neighbour open the door and let out a girl. And I mean, I've seen this family for awhile and as far as I know, they don't have a daughter. It's the two parents and three sons in that little apartment. So who was this girl?

Could he be having an affair?

I mean, it was pretty obvious from her walk. She was obviously in the midst of her walk of shame (I would know) and was pretty embarrassed so I quickly turned away and knocked again. Lata finally opened the door and I let myself in, embarrassed to have seen such an uncomfortable scene.

The problem now is that he's totally changed in my eyes. I used to see him as a caring father, a lot like mine, who'd go out of the house frequently but always come back with tidbits and things for the kids. I've known about my father and his activities and I am perfectly at peace with them. He has every reason to do what he did.

But this guy. He has a happy family. Why would he destroy all of that for a few minutes/hours (who knows how long these old men can go for) of pleasure?

I know why he would do it. I'd do it too. And that's a terrible thing to say but it's the truth. Sometimes I wish I hadn't grown up as quickly as I had. That I didn't learn about pornography, sex and the internet till much later.

Am I going to turn out like the neighbour opposite me?

A Mundane Day

1990-08-09T00:32:00.000+08:00

Last night I was really pissed with myself for letting myself use the computer for a good part of the day. It was 2am when I finally rolled into bed (this wasn't the first time I was sleeping at unearthly hours; I had fallen asleep at 230am the night before) and decided that this "sleep late, wake up late" practice was not Ashu at all.

So I set my alarm for 930 and I gave myself a to-do list. It was a lot like the "good" old days in secondary school when I'd be in bed before 11 and have completed all my homework and revision by 8.

I woke up promptly at 930 and I had breakfast, caught a few TV shows and began my errands. I cleaned out my cupboard, I cleaned out my table, I rearranged my CDs, I changed the photos in the photo frames. I did everything that I was supposed to by 6pm.

Alas, I had forgotten to exercise and make a few cards. So I engaged in a twenty minute workout, showered and sat down to make those cards. It was almost ten by the time I finished everything and then I breathed.

I just breathed. Breathed in. Breathed out. I'm longing for that stranger to come into my dreams. I'm longing for some sort of excitement. Sometimes monotony's good. But not now. It's like I've suppressed everything. I've pushed away people.

I haven't replied to texts, I haven't picked up the phone to chat with anyone. I haven't been on ATRL (a forum I used to frequent) in ages. I haven't logged onto Facebook and surfed properly for awhile.

I apologize if my distance is making you sad or uncomfortable. I need it. I need to excite myself.

I need to feel again.

Escape

1990-08-07T01:05:00.000+08:00

This week's been pretty darn hectic. It was the last week of school and everyone (including me) was rushing for presentations and assignments and deadlines and what-nots. Being stressed kinda keeps you sane. You don't have time to think about anything but deadlines. I guess it's sort of an escapism. Odd huh?

Just wake up

1990-08-01T23:40:00.000+08:00

I'm full of emotions right now and I wish you didn't ask me to sleep on it because I am dying to call you and just scream.

Oh and HOLLA, today's the 1 year anniversary of my blog!

Moving!

1990-08-01T00:38:00.000+08:00

I was lying in bed yesterday and then it hit me. I don't have the energy or the time or the desire to be in a relationship. I'm feeling guilty for no reason at all. I'm a boy with needs and I did what I had to do. I can't beat myself up everytime I do something for myself and I certainly shouldn't be so unhappy.

The self-esteem issues I'll work out with time. But this crush nonsense, it has to stop. And it will because I had one of those moments. I have more than I could ask for right now: great friends who love me, parents who care so much for me, a passion to throw my heart into, a hobby to be excited about and of course, music to make me just smile.

I've made the decision to be happy, to move out of this depressing space and figure things out. I'm predicting two very tough months of holidays ahead but you know what, I'll get through it. I'm really moving to a happier and better place now.

Love Songs

1990-07-25T22:32:00.000+08:00

I love the rain. I love everything about rain. The smell, the sound, the sight of it. I'm never the kind to close the windows 'cause it's raining. I open the windows and just embrace the rain. I don't mind that my table gets a little wet because that's a small price to pay for the freshness of the rain. If only I weren't so sinus-y - I'd run out and play in the rain.

There's a great interlude on janet. that brings that glorious sound of rain to me wherever I am. I really urge all of you to give it a listen:

Thank you Iffah for showing me that it is possible to just embed the play-bar on your blog! Gives it a much classier feel, don't you think?

A love song's playing again. Why is every single song about love? The highs, the lows. The pain, the joy, the laughter, the tears, the comfort, the angst, the silence, the noise. LOVE. No one ever seems to talk about the difficulty of finding love. No one ever seems to sing about how hard it is to get someone to know how infatuated you are with them.

Of course no one sings about how obsessed one can be when they fall for someone. No one sings about the countless hours of Facebook, Tumblr & Twitter stalking.

And yet I'm not alone in this world. Funny how the strangest things can bring two people closer together.

Pick, Choose, Love.

1990-07-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

If I was your [guy], all the things I'd do to you
I'd make you call out my name, I'd ask who it belongs to
If was your [guy], the things I'd do to you
But I'm not
So I can't
And I won't
But if I was your [guy]

It was one of those days today. It was actually a very nice day. I got some work done in school in the morning and had a nice lunch with Ievan. I got Discipline for a low price at Gramophone and watched Inception (more on that in a bit) and spent the evening in town.

And ka-boom, I saw what I hoped I'd never, ever see. I shan't say anymore in case it becomes too obvious and I get humiliated further. I truly was humiliated and I don't even know why. And then I question WHY YOU. Why the hell did I even think that you were remotely okay for me!
You're not and I know it but why does my mind not. Ugh, I'm so frustrated.

I guess the Inception-dream post can wait.